The Real Smith Matrix
by DarkSlayer84
Summary: Of all the songs Smith could have taken for his own, this was the One. WARNING: Reloaded spoilers, though you'll be reading between the lines. Rated for language.


_**The Real Smith Matrix**_

DarkSlayer84

Featuring Tenchi, Once Again

**Disclaimer:** The Matrix is not mine. It belongs to the Wachowski Brothers. Smith is not mine, either, but I may manage to catch one of him one day ;) Plus, the song "The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem is not mine.

**Notes:** Smith is rappin' from his own viewpoint, which naturally means he's insulting the stuffing out of everybody. It's not supposed to be serious :P It doesn't _precisely_ fit the beat, but it's as close as I can make it, with some revisions on the downbeat. Also: Siro and Kristanna Lokken (Taja) are both references from _Mortal Kombat Conquest_. A bit of cross-fandom razzing, just for fun ;)

_And Now, On With The Show..._

_Once again plugged into the Matrix, NEO and MORPHEUS are in a bland parking-lot suspiciously like the one from the burly brawl. They are holding megaphones and talking trash into them, in the hopes of attracting a certain Agent so they can start the Matrix's revolution..._

**MORPHEUS:** May I have your attention please?

**NEO:** May I have your attention please?

**MORPHEUS:** Will the real Agent Smith please stand up?

**NEO:** I repeat, will the real Agent Smith please stand up?

_The world around them seems to twitch, to buckle and heave under an invisible assault. Then billions of AGENT SMITHS surround them._

**(NEO and MORPHEUS, In UNISON):** We're gonna have a problem here...

**SMITH:** I'd think you'd never seen an Agent before  
Jaws all on the floor like Switch and Apoc just burst in the door  
And started whoopin' some ass, unlike before  
'Til they were kickin' it more than Neo! Throwin' Brown over the furniture

**AGENT BROWN (sailing through the air):** Cameo!

**SMITH:** It's the return of the...oh, wait, no way, he must be "kidding"...  
He didn't just escape the Matrix, did he?  
And Tank and Dozer said...  
Nothing, you idiots! Tank and Dozer are dead!  
I locked them in my basement!

Feminist Agents love Agent Smith.  
"Oh, Agent Smith I'm sicka him,  
Looka him, walkin' around  
Wavin' his gun and flippin' them shades, day after day..."  
"Yeah but he's so cute, though."

(**ANOTHER SMITH:** Damn straight!)

**SMITH:** Yes, I'm sure there are a few lines of code up in my head loose,  
But it's no worse than what's going on in Neo's bedroom (ugkkkh!)  
Sometimes I wanna be in the real world and just let loose,  
But I can't,  
But it's cool for Oracle to pick and choose

(_Mimics_) "You already made your choice  
You already made your choice  
And if you don't listen up I'll send in Seraph and his boys"

And that's the message that we deliver to Zionists  
Expectin' 'em not to know where that BLEEP Keymaster is  
Of course they'll know how bad Persephone is by the first date  
They've got those old vampire movies, haven't they?

They ain't nothing but mammals  
Well, some of them are cannibals  
That split each other open like cantaloupes  
But if Brown and Jones get to just sit around and mope  
Then there's no reason Neo and Trinity can't elope _(shudder!)_  
But if you feel like I feel, I have the antidote.  
'Cause Anderson wears pantyhose!  
Sing the chorus and it goes:

**ANOTHER SMITH:** I'm the real Agent here  
Yes I'm the real Agent  
All you other petty Agents are just imitating  
So won't the real Agent Smith  
Please stand up?  
_(Another Smith appears)_  
Please stand up?  
_(Another Smith appears)_  
Please stand up?

**YET ANOTHER SMITH:** Oh I'm the real Smith here  
Yes I'm the real Smith  
All you other petty Agents are just imitating  
So won't the real Agent Smith  
Please stand up?  
_(Another Smith appears)_  
Please stand up?  
_(Another Smith appears)_  
Please stand up?

**SMITH:** Morpheus don't need guns to prove his coolness  
Well I do, so I'll shoot him, _(Kills one of himself)_ and then you too!  
("And another one bites the dust, yeah, yeah, yeaaaaahhh...")  
You think I give a damn about Niobe?  
Those stupid Twins can't even mimic me,  
Let alone stand me!

**NEO:** But Smith, what if you win, wouldn't it be weird?

**SMITH:** Why? Did think you humans could just leave me here?  
And pack me next to Agent Siro and that Merovingian queer?  
Hell, that Terminator better switch me chairs,  
So I can sit with Kristy Lokken and her cohorts first  
And hear them argue over which Star Wars prequel is worse  
Who the hell you think you are, typecasting me?  
"Yeah, he's cool, but can he play Elrond? Tee-hee!"  
I should recompile ALL of you as MP3s  
Or parking meters or trees, or more copies of ME!

**ANOTHER SMITH:** I'm sick of you exiled programs and rebels, all you do is annoy me

**SEVERAL SMITHS at ONCE:** We have been sent here to destroy you!

**SMITH:** And there's a million of us, just like me

**ANOTHER SMITH:** Who fuss like me, put you in the dust like me.

**YET ANOTHER SMITH:** Who dress like me,

**THREE MORE SMITHS:** Walk, talk, and act like me

**MORPHEUS (worried):** They just might be--

**NEO:** Even cooler than me?!

**SMITH (sneer):** The next best thing, but not quite me.

_A bit of instrumental where NEO, helped by MORPHEUS and TRINITY, fights THE SMITHS._

**NEO:** I am the One you oughta listen to

**MORPHEUS:** 'Cause he's telling you things that you gotta do

**TRINITY:** To be free, the only difference is--

**SMITH:** I've got the power to bring it to ALL of y'all  
And I don't gotta be flippin' or bullet-timin' at all  
I just plug into the system and shift it  
And whether you'd like to admit it,  
I'm just better!

**NEO:** Than ninety percent of the Agents out there

**TRINITY:** But we've wondered how these--Smiths--are popping up like rabbits

**MORPHEUS:** You know it's funny

**NEO:** But at the rate it's going in twenty-eight to thirty

**SMITH:** Hours, I'll be down in Zion gettin' dirty  
Pinchin' Council backside while I'm flirtin' with the dancers  
Which is a posture, I'm just trying to get close to  
Mr. Anderson--

_(ALL, including the other SMITHS, stop attacking long enough to gawk at him.)_

**SMITH:** Err... _(Clears throat whilst adjusting his tie)_

_NEO has begun to step a little with the rhythm._

**ANOTHER SMITH:** And in every single plugged-in there's another Agent lurkin'  
He might be workin' at Burger King  
Replicating onion rings  
Or at a desk job wondering  
"Why am I stuck?"

**SMITH (smiling evilly):** That is, before he blows the system up.

_The other SMITHS are, by this time, standing in a seemingly endless row, arms crossed, bobbing their heads to the rhythm. They make a frighteningly compelling sight, each intent scowl beneath dark glasses moving in perfect sync._

**ANOTHER SMITH (smirk):** So, will the real Agent Smith please stand up?

**SMITH:** And bring the hammer on your Desert Eagle up?

**YET ANOTHER SMITH:** And be proud to be outta your mind and outta control

**SMITH (removes sunglasses and waves them overhead):** One more time  
Loud as you can  
How does it go?

_Horrified but unable to stop dancing, NEO watches helplessly as TRINITY is also caught up in the music. She can actually do a pretty decent grind._

**SMITH WITHOUT SUNGLASSES:** Oh I'm the real Smith here  
Yes I'm the real Smith  
All you other petty Agents are just imitating  
So won't the real Agent Smith  
Please stand up?  
_(Another Smith appears)_  
Please stand up?  
_(Another Smith appears)_  
Please stand up?

**MORPHEUS (fighting the movement of his feet):** Nooo!

_The SMITH WITHOUT SUNGLASSES--the one that started this whole mess--just grins and repeats the chorus. MORPHEUS is now tapping his feet and nodding his head, looking thoroughly disgusted with himself._

**ORIGINAL SMITH (smug):**  
Guess there's a little Smith in all of us  
Why fight it?  
_(SMILE)_ Let's all stand up...

_Overcome by the relentless bassline--and SMITH's code-doctoring abilities--NEO, TRINITY and MORPHEUS begin dancing in the row, which goes bouncing and swaying and stomping its feet off into the night. _

_SMITH pulls his shades back on, smirking in his singular fashion as he observes them._

**SMITH:** Damn, I'm good.

**ANOTHER SMITH:** Me, too.

_SMITH rolls his eyes, pulls out his gun, and shoots the little faker._

-END-


End file.
